


Talking It Out

by Hermaline75



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Rape, Drinking, Guilt, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 13:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1429549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hermaline75/pseuds/Hermaline75
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Thor TDW.</p><p>Clint tries to help Thor out with his grief and guilt following Loki's 'death'.<br/>Thor lets him be honest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talking It Out

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't sleep and I miss Clint in the MCU and this happened.

It was strange, being back here.

Thor couldn’t say he’d been too surprised to get the call. They knew where he was at all times, it seemed. He was valuable to them, as a warrior and tactician, politician and mediator sometimes between his teammates. It was what he knew. But the last time he’d been here had been so different, it had been personal and vital and...

He sat on the balcony and sipped whiskey gloomily. Stark had told them all to take advantage of his seemingly infinite alcohol supply, and Thor was sure this was very high quality. He just wished he could appreciate it.

He hadn’t even heard the door open when Barton sat down beside him, the bottle in his hand, refilling Thor’s glass.

They sat in silence for a while, letting the distant noise of the city wash over them before Clint spoke.

“You miss him, huh?”

Thor glanced at him but didn’t say anything.

“I know how it is. I have a brother too, we don’t always get along. I don’t think we’re quite on your scale, but... I’m just saying, I know how it is. We’ve fought almost to the death before. But if he showed up here tomorrow I’d let him in without a second’s thought.”

Thor nodded.

“It’s tough losing someone. So if you want to talk about it...” Clint let the sentence hang between them.

Thor sighed, the sound of a great release of pressure in his chest.

“I thought Loki was dead and I tried to learn to live without him. And then he was alive but he was... He’d changed. And I’d changed. And then I thought I could see flashes of how we were and how he used to be and just when I began to have hope, he was taken from me again. I thought I had mourned enough for a lifetime, but I didn’t know how long the pain would continue. And now I wonder if it will ever fade.”

He stared into space for a moment.

“Tell me of your brother, Clint.”

“Barney? Well... He’s older than me. We didn’t have the happiest of childhoods, we... we relied on each other until the day we realised we didn’t trust each other anymore. We’ve started over a dozen times, and so far it hasn’t worked but I still have hope.”

“One must have hope, I think. The alternative is too hard to bear.”

It was Clint’s turn to stare into the distance. “I slept with him. You know that, right?”

“Your brother?”

“What? No! Jesus, no, why would...” His brain briefly short-circuited. “You mean you and... and him? You and your brother, you...?”

Thor made a non-committal noise. “It was centuries ago. We had friends, great friends, friends we’d have been romantically interested in even, but we were chaperoned everywhere. Trying to make sure we didn’t sire any bastards or promise to marry a commoner or something.”

“And now you’re dating a mortal.”

Thor smiled wanly. “Yes. I think my father dreams of me marrying a commoner now.” His face fell back into severity. “Loki and I were only ever truly alone when we were together and it made sense to experiment with one another. Loki said it made sense anyway. It gradually became something less frequent as we gained more freedom, as we grew apart. We were meant for different things. Sometimes I wonder if I had... tried harder to keep him with me or if I had watched over him more carefully that this wouldn’t have happened.”

Clint patted him companionably on the arm. “You can’t blame yourself, Thor. There were a lot of factors involved. Most of them weren’t you.”

“But some were.”

“Well, yeah, but... Come on, Thor, you weren’t to know. There were so many things that neither of you knew about until it was too late. If you had, you could have done something about it but you didn’t. You can’t hold yourself responsible for something you couldn’t have predicted. It wasn’t your fault. He didn’t blame you, not really.”

“He told you this?”

“Not deliberately. You know how the Tesseract was like a door? Opening from both sides? I don’t think he was expecting anyone to push back against the mind control, but I did. And I saw things, just a few things, before he threw up defences. I think that’s why he liked me really. No one else put up a fight. No one else had the training, I mean. I have a lot of experience of keeping people out of my head. He told me to kill Fury and I didn’t. He liked that. He was interested in someone who could resist. I think he was glad to have a challenge, something to take his mind off things.”

“What things?”

“I don’t know. There was someone out there in the dark. Someone who scared him. He didn’t do it on his own.”

Thor shook his head. “And yet whoever they were, they offered him Earth as his playground. So there were negotiations. He was not a helpless victim here, Clint. He might have been coerced but he knew what he was doing. And he felt no remorse for what he did.”

“Oh, I know. But they hurt him. He would go off by himself and he would come back looking haunted and that’s when he’d... That’s when he’d come for me.”

Thor turned to him and searched his face. “He forced you?”

“He...” Clint frowned. “Yeah. I guess. Nothing I did under the mind control was really me. But it’s one of the few things I did that I don’t feel guilty about. I murdered a lot of people. My hands did that, even if it wasn’t really me. At least no one got hurt when I slept with him. Kept him out of striking range for a bit. I probably saved some people. Who knows who he’d have killed if I wasn’t there to distract him.”

Thor paused before lowering his voice. “Was he cruel to you?”

“Was he cruel to _you_?”

“Sometimes, yes.”

There was a familiar voice in his head: _Come on, Thor, I know you can do better than that, I know it. Ooh, what will everyone think tomorrow when you can’t even sit down? Do you want that Thor? Yes? Well, show me how much you want it..._

“What would he do?” Clint took a swig of whiskey straight from the bottle.

“He... He liked to be in control. He liked things to be on his terms, always. Sometimes he wanted everything soft and sweet and loving and kisses and yes, I was good at that. But sometimes he liked to be harsh and I didn’t and so I would fight him and... Years later I realised it was the fight he wanted. He could have just asked. If I had known it was a game I might have indulged him. But I think he was too proud to let me know of his preferences. Did he make you fight him?”

“Sometimes. And sometimes he wouldn’t even look at me, he’d just take what he wanted. Sometimes he’d mark me. Nothing too serious, he needed me undamaged for the war. But he would scratch me and bite me. That kind of thing.”

“He always was a biter, even when he was being kind. It was a passion thing. And sometimes he liked to be bitten too.”

_Do it like you mean it, Thor, make me bleed..._

“He never made me do that.”

“Did he ever want you to take him?”

_Take me, fuck, try and make me feel it this time, brother..._

“A few times. Less often than the other way around.”

“Did he make you kiss him?”

_No, no hiding in the pillows, don’t make me pull your hair, you know I will..._

“Just once. I don’t think he liked it. He threw me out pretty quickly that time.”

“Why?”

“Well... Sex is one thing. You can have physical responses, bodies are easy. But I think he wanted to see if he could get real affection from me and he just couldn’t. Because I was in a cage inside my own head, I couldn’t give him real emotion even if I’d wanted to. So he could risk letting me out, knowing that I might kill him, or he could just accept it. You need to be in the moment for kisses. I was so far from the moment I was practically in a different time zone.”

“Did he... talk to you? During it?”

_Let me hear you, I want to know how I make you feel, talk to me, use your words..._

“A little. Generally demanding that I respond in just the way he wanted. Pleading, screaming, that sort of thing. And he would usually praise me for my loyalty afterwards.”

“Hmm...”

Silence fell over them again.

“Are you glad that it wasn’t the same as when he was with you?”

“I’m not glad that he forced himself on you, no.”

“No, I mean... Are you glad he didn’t manage to replace you?”

Thor took a long time to reply.

“I think it would be impossible for either of us to replace the other.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet.”

“Do you think Loki cared for you?”

“In his way, maybe. I think I was the most interesting of his toys. He wanted to see how many features I had.”

“I’ve noticed that you don’t say his name anymore.”

“No. He’s kinda my Voldemort.”

Thor waited politely for an explanation. Clint caught his black expression.

“Sorry, it’s from a book, it’s, like... it’s bad luck to say the guy’s name.”

“You think Loki’s name will curse you if you say it?”

“No. It’s just... when someone makes you scream their name a few too many times and you wake up with it on your lips months later, when you think they’re finally out of your head, you kinda try to avoid it. Saying it... makes it too real. Sometimes I like to pretend it wasn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault. And it’s OK to mourn him. I get that there’s not much sympathy around here, but he was your brother. And I think you have the right to your sadness and anyone who says otherwise can answer to me.”

“Thank you.”

“Any time.”

“And any time you want to speak of him and the things he did, you know where I am. There were no boundaries between Loki and I, once. And now that he’s dead, I...”

“You want to talk about him so you feel like you haven’t lost him.”

“Exactly. Even if it is to hear of his crimes. It’s still him.”

“I don’t think you really want to know. But I can try. Not tonight though. Tonight I think we should let him rest a little.”

Thor raised his glass. “To Loki. And the fact that he is finally out of trouble.”

Clint clinked the bottle against it, carefully ignoring the unshed tears in his friend’s eyes.

“Yeah. To him.”

Thor finished his drink and silently went inside.


End file.
